Blogging about whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like.

I’m not even sure where to begin. I guess from the beginning would be good. Ha-ha. I’ll start with sleep. It was about 1:30am when I finally tried to go to sleep. I’ve not been sleeping well recently, so I thought I’d stay up a bit longer and tire myself out so I’d sleep, but it didn’t particularly work too well. I ended up lying awake for hours. Even ended up texting Katie but she went to bed at 2am, I was still awake. Last time I recall looking at the clock on my phone, it was 3:42am.

I woke up at about 6:20am, horrified at the dream I’d had. I don’t even want to write it down because it really freaked me out. I wonder if it’s a sign for something. The guy I rejected, my so called friends, and then my boyfriend not being in the slightest bit concerned as to what was happening to me when I called him up, he just laughed. It hurt so much, thinking that he didn’t care, my eyes welled up, but I couldn’t cry. I ended up going back to sleep. Had another horrible dream, this time involving my ex-boyfriend and some things went on which make me want to vomit, just thinking of them. I feel like I didn’t sleep at all. -_- I’m not sure how much of this I can take.

Appetite? What appetite. Food is force. I have to force down my meals and its so hard. Hunger, what is that? I haven’t felt hungry in days, but I have to eat. Every time I do though, my stomach hurts, my head hurts, I feel nauseous. I’ve had a poorly tummy for days. Uncontrollable pooping. Yummy stuff! I think my bowels might be fucked. Would explain a lot. Oy vey.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Rachel today. Its quite upsetting, and I don’t think how fatigued I am really helps things. I feel so miserable and I’m not sure what to do. Rachel would know… Normally, I’d just curl up, cry it all out, and get some sleep and I’d feel better in the morning, but I just can’t seem to do it and I’m getting worried. What is wrong with me? Why is my body acting so strangely? Why is it not doing what I want it to do? Have I done something wrong?

Next subject? Men. Fucking hell. Men. They can be such ignorant bastards, can’t they? My boyfriend would be a fine example. Paying attention? He doesn’t know the meaning of the phrase! Romance? He doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. Now, I’m not asking for his un-divided attention or for him to wait on me, hand and foot. Just for him to actually read/listen and respond to what I’m saying would be nice, and for him to make an effort to see me more, surely if you want to see someone, you’d do your best to see them. You’d want to see your girlfriend over buying a new game to play 24/7 and just ignore her. I’ve spoken to him about it several times, and he seems sorry for all of about 5 minutes. Everyone keeps telling me to break up with him, I deserve better, and that he isn’t worth it. But I just can’t do that, I love him. Arg! Love eh? Who the hell thought that was a good idea! Ha-ha. None the less. It makes me angry, however, the rest of the time, when he hasn’t made me annoyed? I don’t think I could be happier! I love spending time with him and cuddling up in his arms, I just wish I could do it more. I even attempted to go to town on my own. I’ve tried a few times with friends, but I think they’re getting sick of coming with me to the bus stop and stuff for me to go white and shaky, and start panicking, shaking like a leaf and embarrassing them. But as usual, I couldn’t manage it. I think its just the getting on the bus that’s the problem, if I could get in to town, I’d be okay, I’m sure. Though I’m not so sure about how I’d fare on the train…

Really not sure what to do, or what I should be doing anymore. I don’t know what’s happening with my life, where its going, or where its heading, I can’t see an end in sight, and I have no clue to what my purpose is. But none the less, part of me enjoys living, I just want to live a little more. Have more of a life. Loads of my friends went in to town yesterday, and got to see and meet Gok Wan. I would have loved to have gone with my camera. But once again, my health lets me down. I can’t even get to town, no matter how hard I wish, not even to see the most important man in my life and it drives me insane. I want nothing more than to see him and to be held by him right now.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I thought my life was getting back on track, and I was making progress, but now, I just seem to be going down hill and I hate it. I’m so scare that I’m going to go back to that place I fought so hard to leave, back to lying in bed asleep, wondering where the hours have gone and what happened to that thing called energy, why something so simple like walking causes me immense pain. Where I have to slide down the stairs on my butt, and crawl back up again, being zapped of any energy I did have. Not even being able to stand in the shower and wash myself properly. Collapsing, passing out, getting hurt, going to bed, hardly having the energy to eat. Watching the world go by, seeing my friends carrying on and living their lives without me, next thing I know, I’m stuck behind and I can’t ever catch up to them again. I guess its why I get so antsy about not knowing what’s going on. Because I’m scared that if I don’t stay up to date with my friends and everything, then I’m going to slip back and lose them all again. I’m scared. I don’t want that to happen no matter what. But I’m just so tired.

I’ve tried buying stuff to cheer me up, to lighten my mood. It works for about 5 minutes. Nothing gels anymore. I’m just so damn tired and I want to sleep, but its as if even sleeping is too much effort, what the hell is with that! I just want to get some decent, refreshing sleep! Is that too much to ask? Really?

I guess that’s it for now. Its 00:47 and I should go to sleep. Although part of me doesn’t want to go back to that world where I have such absurd, creepy thoughts… *Sigh* I can’t seem to escape.

Goodnight.