Shazzam. If theres any downtime, in advance, I appologise. My domain and hostings renewal has come up so it might go down, but it shouldn’t do. =]

Sooooo….plenty has happened since I last updated. I’ve been getting kinda lazy I guess. Haha. I feel less motivated since that crappy twitter app deleted all of my posts and I had to start again here in blog land. Mind you, it doesn’t particularly matter to most. XD

When I got back from holiday, on Monday, I got to see Riiiiiiiiiiiiik. <3333 is all I’m gonna say. I talk too much about him anyways. :p

On thursday, I saw the therapist and a psyciatric consultant/doctor who prescribed me sertaline for my anxiety. Its addictive and if I stop taking it, then I’ll go through withdrawl. D: I’ve been suffering the side effects and some really aren’t pleasant. If I get the mildest bit depressed and I don’t get distracted, thoughts of self harm haunt my mind and I end up questioning my lifes worth and such. Now, I’ve not acted on any of these feelings, I have to say, but it doesn’t change the fact I’ve had them and considering my track record, its a little concerning, and it doesn’t help when your dad makes “oh dear, I’ll go slit my wrists” jokes when you’re incredibly sensitive to the subject, it makes it all that much more tempting. And part of me feels ashamed for even considering it and I feel like I’m letting people down, so its not something I really talk about. If I did, who would I talk to? They wouldn’t really know what to say, there isn’t really anything they CAN say and at times, that can be so fustrating because sometimes you just need a hug and to hear that everything is going to be okay, they care, and they’re there for you if you need them. I fessed up to Hay about how I felt to a mild degree, I want to tread carefully because I’ll feel so bad if I trigger someone for something like that, its really not a nice road for anyone to go down and I really don’t want to influence anyone else to do that. I really don’t. And I love her to bits, so I don’t wanna hurt her, but I know shes there for me whenever I need her and the thought of that just makes me feel so much better.

The side effects are starting to wear off but my dosage goes up tomorrow, so they might hit me a little again. D: I hate how they keep putting me on an emotional rollercoaster, especially for everyone that I talk to cus I feel like I take it out on them however I feel and the mood swings are so drastic, I’m like D: This isn’t good! But I’m hoping I’ll get used to it. Only thing is…I’ve been outside, but they’ve not really helped my anxiety, I still feel pretty anxious, now, I dunno whether its theres just not enough in my system yet, or whether they just don’t work, but it plays on my mind. Grrrrrr….