DRUGZZZZZ!
Shazzam. If theres any downtime, in advance, I appologise. My domain and hostings renewal has come up so it might go down, but it shouldn’t do. =]
Sooooo….plenty has happened since I last updated. I’ve been getting kinda lazy I guess. Haha. I feel less motivated since that crappy twitter app deleted all of my posts and I had to start again here in blog land. Mind you, it doesn’t particularly matter to most. XD
When I got back from holiday, on Monday, I got to see Riiiiiiiiiiiiik. <3333 is all I’m gonna say. I talk too much about him anyways. :p
On thursday, I saw the therapist and a psyciatric consultant/doctor who prescribed me sertaline for my anxiety. Its addictive and if I stop taking it, then I’ll go through withdrawl. D: I’ve been suffering the side effects and some really aren’t pleasant. If I get the mildest bit depressed and I don’t get distracted, thoughts of self harm haunt my mind and I end up questioning my lifes worth and such. Now, I’ve not acted on any of these feelings, I have to say, but it doesn’t change the fact I’ve had them and considering my track record, its a little concerning, and it doesn’t help when your dad makes “oh dear, I’ll go slit my wrists” jokes when you’re incredibly sensitive to the subject, it makes it all that much more tempting. And part of me feels ashamed for even considering it and I feel like I’m letting people down, so its not something I really talk about. If I did, who would I talk to? They wouldn’t really know what to say, there isn’t really anything they CAN say and at times, that can be so fustrating because sometimes you just need a hug and to hear that everything is going to be okay, they care, and they’re there for you if you need them. I fessed up to Hay about how I felt to a mild degree, I want to tread carefully because I’ll feel so bad if I trigger someone for something like that, its really not a nice road for anyone to go down and I really don’t want to influence anyone else to do that. I really don’t. And I love her to bits, so I don’t wanna hurt her, but I know shes there for me whenever I need her and the thought of that just makes me feel so much better.
The side effects are starting to wear off but my dosage goes up tomorrow, so they might hit me a little again. D: I hate how they keep putting me on an emotional rollercoaster, especially for everyone that I talk to cus I feel like I take it out on them however I feel and the mood swings are so drastic, I’m like D: This isn’t good! But I’m hoping I’ll get used to it. Only thing is…I’ve been outside, but they’ve not really helped my anxiety, I still feel pretty anxious, now, I dunno whether its theres just not enough in my system yet, or whether they just don’t work, but it plays on my mind. Grrrrrr….
Plane > Airport > Coach
Video on the plane, airport, and the coach to the hotel. :B I took some snapshots of Birmingham Airport for no apparent reason that I shall upload when I can find my adaptor. Cba to write a full blog entry yet. Am tired! XD Got back home about 3:50am. Flight landed about 15 mins early. Wooo!
Eat yer heart out
Or pour it out, either works.
Had a long discussion…and I feel a lot better. Still kinda sad and stuff, but feeling loads better than I did and I’m not so worried anymore about everything. Me and Hay blubbled like a couple of geeks. I’m so lucky to have a friend like her. She means the world to me <3 I never used to talk to anyone, about anything. I kept it all cooped up because the people I did talk to where on forums, and they were…hardly the nicest people, and I was naieve back then. It was like, suck it up, put your big girl panties on and deal with it, and back then, the stress wasn’t something I could deal with, and it wasn’t worth talking about when the assholes would make me worse, but if I learned anything, its that when you have a geniune friend who’ll listen and be there for you, knowing what to say or not, with a solution or not, the world seems a better place.
I’ve actually surprised myself a little, because I used to be this horribly negative person, I couldn’t think about anything but the downside to anything and everything, I’d evaluate stuff for cons and now the opposite is true. But I guess I need to be that way to make any progress. Haha. If I think about the negatives, I wouldn’t have progressed as much these past few months, I wouldn’t be going out, albeit I only go up/down the road and really don’t stray far from home, but its out none the less which I couldn’t 6 months ago. I wake up some days, well I wake up all days but shut up, am not finished. :p I wake up some days, have a shower in the morning and stuff, put my eyeliner on [the only make up I usually wear] and think…wow, I actually look pretty today, and I compliment myself, and it helps my confidence too. Because I’ve pretty much had it drummed in to me that I’m an ugly, fat, stupid pig, thats good for me. And before I was “fat” I was “anorexic” I say these in quote marks because compared to, idk say my old cooking teacher, I’m fucking skinny. XD I don’t think I’m skinny, I’ve just got more to love ;D And I wasn’t anorexic, I was just really slim, lol yeah back in the day, and to be honest, I think I look better with a little, okay, a lot more on me compared to how I looked when I had not enough. For sure, larger people are more cuddly! Cuddles ftw.
So yeah. I’ve changed, and I can aknowledge that. And…I’m one of those people who finds change tough, but it seems I changed before I even realize it. I care about myself, I enjoy treating myself, I’ll push myself if the benefits are worth the negative, thanks to that, its why I can now leave the house, I can be around my friends, yeah, its still tough, sometimes I still get panic attacks, but the more I face my fears, I think the better I’ll get, and I’ve tried to stop thinking about my health componant, yeah, sometimes it is a vicious cycle because I wanna go and do stuff, but my health won’t let me, I worry about collapsing with my friends, or trying to do something and my body not quite being able to cope with it, but if I don’t try, I wont know, however, that only applies to some degree, obviously, I can’t see myself running a marathon or anything like that because I know it’d be impossible for me. You get the idea, I’m sure. I have to say, I’m proud of myself. I’ve come a long way, and I wouldn’t have done it without my best friends. I love you guys and I know you’re proud of me too, its like we’re in this together now, and I can’t give up for me, and I can’t give up for you, and yeah, at times it’ll be tough but I trust you to help me climb back up when things dip like you always have done and I’ll keep making you proud. And not only am I proud of myself, but I’m proud to call you guys my friends and I love you all so very much <3
Well shucks, wasn’t that a little bit cheesy. XD
Jollies
Will update with holiday snaps and allsorts when I get back 
vLog ^_^
Heart to hearts can be good
Well…had a good conversation, out of the blue. Rik and I were discussing transport, and I said I can hardly catch a bus in the right direction, and honestly, I was surprised when he suggested I try go to town with supervision and stuff and get used to things and take steps etc, and I ended up pouring my heart out and I honestly didn’t think I would, I don’t usually go that in-depth. I know I ramble and it seems in depth, but I only grace the surface. No rambling just blunt out honest on how I felt and he was positive and it really made me happy cus I’m always worrying my health is gonna chase people away. So yeah, I’m happy and I feel good right now. I need a hug though. In a week, I go on holiday, when I get back, I get to see him so I’mma be sooo happy =D
Omg yeah shorter blog entry wtf. XD
Ow.
Yesterday, I collapsed and fell down from about half way down my stairs. I sprained my left ankle and wrist, and twisted my right, on top of that, my RSI is acting up in my hand, I’ve been unable to finish a full meal in 3 weeks, and London expo is this weekend and once a fucking gain, my health gets in the way, ofc, all my friends are either at the expo or Gay Pride so I’m on my own either way. ANNNNNNNNNND on top of that, my mother is loosing her marbles because she seems so stressed, and I’m pretty sure we can’t afford the holiday we’re going on in three weeks. My chest is permanantly pounding from anxiety for no damn reason since little less than a fortnight ago, I have to wait until after holiday till they’ll send a doctor out to see if they can give me medication, if not medication, I may have to go under hypnosis, but at this rate, I’m not even going to manage my holiday. I really can’t be arsed anymore. With anything. At all. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing or whats the point of me getting up in the morning to push myself to stay awake for no actual decent reason. Pretty much everything seems tedious. Only thing I look forward to is talking to/seeing Jess [the one down the road], Hayleigh and my boyfriend. Those three people are probably the only reason I get up in the morning. Love you guys so much.
I need to backdate some blog entries again. I WILL do it at some point. I did a vlog about 3 weeks ago that I still haven’t upped. It needs cutting in half to go on YT. *Sigh* Loads of stuff happened. Was good but now stuffs gone down the shits.
Fufufufufuuuuuu…
Idk, I suck with the titles.
I’m going to make this short.
Yeah. Lololol, makes a change, I know right.
My laptops screen is ghey. And I reformatted.
I’ve been going out a little more and it feels great though its tough on my body.
I got in to a good sleep routine again.
I really want to go back to sleep right now but mum is expecting a parcel.
I went to sleep at 1am, woke up at 7:50am, then 8:30am, then 9:30am. -_-
I’ve had a stomach bug since last tuesday.
Therapist visit again on the 12th.
Fun.
Not.
I cba to write a full journal so theres the gist of things since my last update.
Short and sweet yez?
Haha. Though you can watch the vlog I made last week.
Spring Anime
Huge selection! Except…most of them so far have been let downs. I’m watching all that appeal to me as and when they come out, the ones that…not so much, I’m going to watch when they’ve finished/nothing better to watch.
Ones I am watching now are WATCHING and ones I’ll watch later are POSTPONED
WATCHING
Full Metal Alchemist 2
Shangri-La
07-Ghost
K-ON
Senjoy no Valkyria
Saki
Hayate no Gotoku 2
Asura Cryin’
Hatsukoi Gentei
Tayutama -Kiss on my Deity-
Phanton
Natsu no Arashi
Hanasekeru Seishounen
Guin Saga
Eden of the East
POSTPONED
Tears to Tiara
Sengoku BASARA
Cross Game
Shin Mazinger Shougeki! Z-Hen
Basquash
Theres more but off of the top of my head, idk
New theme
There we go, heres a new theme
Though the side bar is a tempermental bastard. Must be friends with my father. :r
Anywho, yeah, I messed with the plugin and made it work, then I updated the plug in and it failed, then I re-installed the previous plug in and it just ain’t happening.
BUT LOOK AN IMG REEL.
Yes, I’m vain and used a pic of me. Though in future there will be more relevant pictures. :p
Uguu~
Feeling poopy since bowling. Horribly tired.
Today, I feel really sick, too. D:
Feverish, wanting to vomit and tummy somersaults. Maybe its something I ate. >_>
And I’ve also been having a fluttery chest which I’m sure is down to fatigue, as well as lots of small panic attacks. So after this, I’ll be going to sleep, I think!
Ah, yes. I got a new phone not last monday, monday before. I’m on contract now, wahey. Works out cheaper. I also treated myself to some new clothes and stuff now that I’m going out more. From a shop, not ebay. XD New Look to be exact. They should all fit me. Because the one pair of jeans I have atm that are just a little tight round the waist band? I bought the next size up from those so there will be plenty of room, but they’re not going to look like skinny jeans. In fact my current jeans don’t look like skinny jeans. XD Also got me some belts that fit, they’re usually either too big or too small even with extra holes. XD So yay on that one. Skint now, well for now anyways, but all my money I get is going to mum when I get it now anyway. I owe her from bowling because I borrowed £12 and my contract bill and housekeep. D: Money is tight here atm so I feel guilty buying clothes, but obviously…having clothes has benefits and so I’m hoping its going to be a little less stress in the long run. I live in pajamas, but obviously, I need to wear clothes when I go out and stuff, which I’ve been trying to do more lately. I haven’t been out once this week, mainly too exhausted but I’m going to try and go to my grandparents this weekend anyway. Also been thinking of going to the cemetary and visiting the family and friends like, show em how I’m getting on but I’m not so sure I’ll manage tbh.
I’ve been reading and researching and stuff and discovered that the hospital are making me think I have more issues than I do and a lot of these individual problems are related to my M.E. I’m going to see about re-arranging a hospital appointment when I feel confident enough and discussing this with them. But I’m not ready yet, and I don’t want to freak out again.
Thats it for now, I guess. Uploading some new WP themes atm. Not sure if they’ll work well with this blog though but I’ll have a look see anyways. 
While all that happening, I’m going to go and have a wash, clean my teeth, and go to sleep. ^_^ Good night.
